Saturday, October 29, 2011

letting go of: sanity

"Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees dawn before the rest of the world." -Oscar Wilde

I must admit my 24 Things: Autumn Surrender did not go as well as planned. My goal in the beginning was to get rid of all the clutter in my apartment. The amount of things I have literally drives me insane some day. But instead any chance I saw to be a chance to give, whether it was lending an ear, helping a stranger, lending a few dollars, or giving clothes to charity, I took it. My schedule has been hectic lately, between new work hours as a waitress, my last college classes on monday, wednesdays and fridays and a new spanish class on saturday mornings, the last thing I could think about was getting rid of stuff in my apartment. Now, being the virgo that I am, typically if I set a goal for myself and do not fulfill it I become even more stressed and really hard on myself. I begin to blame myself for not trying hard enough or wasting time relaxing or just not being organized. I have been totally lost these last few weeks (maybe months..but who knows at this point) and did not realize what it felt like to be actually physically lost until I found myself wandering downtown Miami with all the homeless people at 830am. At this point I began to cry hysterically to the point of almost having an anxiety attack due to stress and fear. I found my way back to my car, cried some more, got home cried some more. And then talked to a friend. Talking to her made me realize we all have these times, these days, where we can not take it anymore. Where we just need an answer, some sign that everything will be okay. But we don't need a sign. We already know that everything is going to be okay! It always is. Sometimes we need those moments where we get physically lost to see that it all works out in the end. Getting lost this morning was not the end of my world, it taught me I need to give myself more time and plan better. That's all. Nothing bad came out of it. So if this last month has taught me anything it is to let go of all my emotional baggage, let go of trying to be superwoman and get everything done, let go of being so hard on myself, allow myself a good cry every now and then and be the person I know I am.. whether that be sane or insane.

No comments:

Post a Comment